Sayonara - 10,000 days of life.

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you figure out why." 

~ Mark Twain

“I was lost all these years; but now I found my self”, moving to alternate pastures - so the blogging stops here. The response for any question remotely in line with the "Why quit the blog?" part shall be dealt in below segments.
Last time there was a piece of emptiness that filled in as I had quit blogging, and so I returned for a second stint that lasted much longer until now.
This post is part of proper goodbye, as I do not intend this space to be dangling without "the story ends here" sign (though I see the fact that, if I had passed away suddenly, this space would have been left dangling for sure).

People say good bye to various things as their life evolves, and I've decided to say a good bye to this blog which I had been using as a part of exercise to discover my identity - since the end of my college (way back in 2006), time offered some amazing experiences through these years to analyse, contemplate, mimic, ridicule, appreciate and be hypocritical about various things that flowed through my life in those 5 five years. And doing so had been a very interesting learning-curve. It had pushed me to constantly expand the boundaries of my knowledge, to seek answers for all and any question I had.

At one point I began investigating psychology(Freud, Carl Jung & Bernays), and any attempt to put my psyche to test didn't turn out very constructive. I could easily be classified to fit to many disorders and therefore psychology as subject lacked the insight to have a comprehensive oversight.

Moreover exploring the distant corners of my thoughts linked to the past or future frightened me by some of the dark experiences I encountered there. I ended up depressed by the pointlessness and sadness of the world. There was hope though, I became skeptical against all human inputs and interpretations of abstract and so called scientific results, a beginning, and had a long way to go. But I see that I then believed in something which defied locial empirical explanations - such grinding in my heart made me search for answers through the philosophy of science, mathematics, mind , language and religion.

What causes our consciousness, our awareness to be confined to a present? Understanding the why; what is the universe; what is matter; what is time and space; and why is it that way - what is reality. I had all these questions in mind, yet tried to drown them in my daily chores and sometimes worse - made mockery of my own questions (some of which amateurishly is reflected in my earliest blogposts). 

But there were some signs that were cracking the cage of my long-rusted heart and began polishing it through some unlikely sources.I was quite active on online forums pertaining to these topics, and somebody posted a link about the linguistic miracle of the Qur'an. I had known about them before, but always overlooked and had waved that off thinking it would probably be interpretation and make-belief. I decided to give a try and five minutes into that got me intrigued. Made me conclude that I should check Qur'an myself in its source language, rather than relying on translations, and the result I found it flawless. Not only did my attempts in finding flaws fell short, but I was also shocked by the profoundness, perfection and deepness of the words used. I was also intrigued by how the book felt psychologically custom made for the human mind and also garnished with signs which have been scientifically proven statements pertaining to fields of embryology, geology, space-science, origin of the universe, philosophy, knowledge and of course psychology .
In short, the book seemed like pure genius on every level and aspect. Made me conclude no way was this nothing more then a fraction of someone's imagination several centuries ago; as I had first thought simply because, such an explanation just doesn't add up.
Thus began a new journey of self-discovery through the portals of mathematics, mind, psyche and science, and Quran which are all actually 'sign-posts' towards Divine (i.e, Spirituality, Religion, and God)...

I have been through an evolution/metamorphosis of some sort during this blog-phase, and therefore now definitely - I neither represent the insane-blogger, nor the agnostic-anarchist who may be reflected in my earlier posts - I'm a changed man. I apologise for having said any wrong/intolerant/pride-filled/ignorant message through this media.  There are couple of blog-posts of my earlier times with which I could no longer identify myself, and few of them I detest and am ashamed of putting such meaningless narcissistic posts.

Today I've come a long way (infact the opposite direction) from there and shrugged-off those materialistic-wordlview for a Quranic-worldview, yet I realize I still have a lot to learn and a lot of details to fill in. But one moment(during the learning process) during this phase was like a light switch. Finally, because of which, I could at least see where I'm going as I'm looking for my path, finally I had a solid base to build upon.

I began as a seeker, evolved into a rebel & warrior against the self, and there has now come a phase where I have grown into hopefully a mature human who feels close to his purpose of existence and a greater sense of responsibility, and this blog did help me find that purpose to a great extent in the seeking process.

And as the clock has ticked 00:00 hours, this counts as my 10,000th day of life on earth - and God willing here's for another 10,000 days of life.

Well, life is too short to give explanations for things like departing. Just as 'death' is natural and integral part of existence. Imagine, the angel of death stole this account's credentials, the blog died today. It's over.

Wishing my beloved brothers, sisters & friends in humanity - a peaceful and meaningful life ahead.

If I could end with just a single advice:
"Be honest to yourself!"

The key to everything is the way you start. All beginnings are difficult, because you are trying to turn things from one direction to the opposite direction. But once a start has been made, you begin to get used to the direction you are going in and things are no longer so hard. The level of awe and devotion a person attains each day depends on the way he starts. Every day you should go backwards in the sense that you should always try and draw inspiration from the start, which was the hardest thing of all. You must always make a frest start.
-  Nachman of Breslov

May the Master of the Worlds help us all to have great beginnings and to use each beginning as a springboard to start over and over and over, and strive & struggle to keep ourslves on clear & straight path in our ibadah and abd of Malik al-Mulk.

~ Shukran Jazeelan.









-- A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.
Stewart Alsop









P.S:   
The thoughts published here(since 2006) may or may not define my current or future perspectives/paradigms.
I would like to apologise to few individuals/groups openly through this note for not seeking permission to reuse their material, quotes, pictures etc. that were used in building this blog in the past. (you can't blame me, I was an anarchist then).
 

Eight Lessons in 27 years

As I am slowly moving towards the end of a journey (you may probably learn in next post - what's this journey), I would like to list down the important lessons that I learnt(learning) in my life through various incidents, experiences, sources, art, literature, philosophies, mysticism, psychology, science, abstractness, falsehood, deception, grief, hunger, illness, patriotism, rebellion, wealth, temptations, pride, arrogance, envy, ignorance, power, fear, culture, language, parents and my extended human, animal and plant families .. here's an attempt to paint them with images and quotes for you to reflect and agree or disagree ..
 
1. On Existence (On Ego & Soul)

“I can't believe, I'm simply not existing because it doesn't seem true, and I would just be lying to myself.“

"My soul is my guide, for my soul is of that abode

I will not speak of the earthly, I am of the unknown."

"I did not come here on my own accord, nor will I thus leave. 

He who brought me here, shall return me to my very own."

"The sun itself is proof the sun exists!

Seek your proofs, but don't turn your face from it."
 
"Do not ask, Where is God?
Rather ask, Where am I?"

"All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there."

"I am naught, He is all; there is no being but God's."

2. On Knowledge (On Intuition & Intellect)

“Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave”

"Given that true reality (haqiqat) is obscured by forms and appearances, as we have seen, an epistemological question is inevitable: how reliable are intellect and logic as a means of discovering and knowing the real? Can we humans reach certainty about our knowledge and our beliefs? "
 
"Knowledge that is acquired
is not like this.
Those who have it worry if
audiences like it or not.
It's a bait for popularity.
Disputational knowing wants customers.
It has no soul.

The only real customer is God.
Chew quietly
your sweet sugarcane God-Love, and stay
playfully childish.”

"Come, seek, for search is the foundation of fortune:
every success depends upon focusing the heart.Everything you possess of skill, and wealth and handicraft,
wasn't it first merely a thought and a quest?"

3. On Mistakes (On Lessons & Wisdom)

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from."

"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."

“Come follow me and you will find the way.
Your mistakes can also lead you to the Truth.
When you ask, the answer will be given.”

"The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue - so, the most important lessons lay not in what I needed to learn, but in what I first needed to unlearn."

"Who are the learned? Those who practice what they know."

4. On Evil (On Choice & Consequences)

"We stopped checking for monsters under our bed and we realized they were inside of us?"

"The lion who breaks the enemy's ranks
is a minor hero
compared to the lion who overcomes himself."

"Thou does not know evil till thou knowst good: (only) from (one) contrary is it possible to discern (the other) contrary, 0 youth!"

"All evil qualities—oppression, hatred, envy, greed, mercilessness, pride—when they are within yourself, they bring no pain. When you see them in another, then you shy away and feel the pain."

"God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly, not one."

“…whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. "


5. On Love (On Need & Greed)

"One should not confuse true love with the feeling felt for members of the opposite sex. Such love, although sometimes transformed into true love, is deficient, temporary, and has no inherent value unless he desireth for his neighbour that which he desireth for himself."

"And if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it
would not fill this emptiness(greed)."

"You know what love is?
It is all kindness, generosity.
Disharmony prevails when
You confuse lust with love, while
The distance between the two
Is endless."

"The lover’s ailment is different from all ailments; Love is the astrolabe of God’s mysteries."


6. On Struggle (On Purpose & Goals) 

"The angel is saved by knowledge, The beast by brute ignorance;
Midway between and struggling Such a predicament is man's!"

“Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.”

"The intelligent desire self-control;
children want candy."

"Speak truth, even in the face of a tyrant."

"The most excellent Jihad is that for the conquest of self."


7. On Freedom (On Oppression & Responsibility)

"Knowing your enemy is winning half the battle"

"It doesn't mean that I advocate violence, but at the same time, I am not against using violence in self-defense. I don't call it violence when it's self-defense, I call it intelligence."

"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change."

"The undisciplined person doesn’t wrong himself alone–
but sets fire to the whole world."

"Either way, change will come. It could be bloody, or it could be beautiful. It depends on us."

"Lawless are they that make their wills their law."

"If you do not feel ashamed of anything, then you can do whatever your desires want."


8. On Submission (On Liberation & Peace)

"The worldly comforts are not for me. I am like a traveler, who takes a rest under a tree in the shade and then goes on his way."

"Let God be the ruler over your hearts, not the duniya (world)"
 
"Do you want to enter paradise?
To walk the path of Truth
You need the grace of God.
We all face death in the end.
But on the way, be careful
Never to hurt a human heart!"

"People who attach their identity & happiness to things of the material, who are happy when their relationship is going good, or when their work is going good, or when their financial status is good, they will be among the losers. A submitter's happiness is attached to Divine. And the Divine is eternal, That is why a submitter always says 'I seek refuge in God' to whatever good or bad things that happen to them"

"Forgiveness is a creative act, a true gift, that changes us from prisoners of the past to liberated people at peace with our memories"

"True devotion is for itself:
not to desire heaven nor to fear hell."




~ "All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of all the worlds."

10 years of smoking towers

"On September 11th our lives changed forever. We witnessed an act of aggression that in many ways does not have a parallel in past or present times. There are several elements that make this act unique, from the use of civilian planes as weapons of mass destruction to the attack on the most widely recognised skyscrapers in the world. Nor have we ever witnessed the terrible indictment of Islam as having a part to play in such a heinous crime .. "
~ Sheikh Hamza Yusuf 

I was in my living room, preparing for my school-exams, as I heard footsteps descending down the stairs rapidly, it was my neighbor's son - a student of 6th grade. There was something unusual with his tone, and he gasped and gave a direct command of some sort - "switch on the television!". 

The immediate thought was, probably some cricket match was on as this fella was an ardent sports fan.
I lazily moved and turned on the tube to receive a frame of smoke among the skyscrapers - the skyline looked familiar, I assumed - an earthquake probably, or was it some kind of air-crash accident .. two minutes into the content of the tube, a flash scrolled by - 'Terrorists attack on Twin-towers, estimated death-toll in hundreds'. Scores of questions fired in my brain, but apparently I wasn't thinking, it was like a mixed-mashedup-mind experiencing shock & confusion. I was in my high-school when it happened, what went down in history as the 9-11 attacks.

The next day the news focussed on the tragic events with an unbelieveable content,"Muslims are seen rejoicing in some parts of the world". This gave me a jolt much heavier than the tragedy itself. The thought in my mind was the people who died in the attacks are civilians - people with dreams, people like me - children, women, old-men and people living normal life.

In folowing days my imagination went too far when I assumed Muslims not to celebrate even their birthdays and anniversaries, if it fell on September 11^th. “We can’t have Muslims walking into bakeries and ordering cakes with big smiles on their faces or exchanging roses on this day shouting ‘Happy Anniversary!’ at restaurants,” explained my turbid-brain, “It would be highly suspicious and inhuman if Muslims appeared even remotely happy or laugh on this day and, as international citizens, I implore Muslims to appear sad on this day.”
And after all these turbidity it took me almost half-a-decade to learn that the media bias, mis-information and subtle-propaganda could hard-wire a normal human to associate two entirely different things and yet would convince himself/herself that they are one and the same. This idea sedimented so much into a average human that if "black" meant "color", then "Islam" meant "terrorism".

With so much confusion over 5 years, slowly made me drift into the world of agnosticism(ridiculous enough to be influenced by Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris), religion & belief became just tags for me, nothing more than a cultural stamping upon my identity, and this view-point grew upon me for over 5+ years and it was partly due to the following facts

1. I was ignorant of what my original faith represented or spoke about.
2. I believed whatever the Television suggested to be undeniable realities.

I was fortunate among many Muslims, who were also taken for a ride after such an event, during my agnosticism phase I was destined to meet and befriend a fellow Muslim - who took his faith seriously. What followed were series of conversations, and a period of enlightenment for my 'nafs'
I learnt that unfortunately, much of the world does not know what almost every Muslim who has studied Islam knows; that the worst enemies of Islam are from within. The worst of these are the khawaarij who delude others by the deeply dyed religious exterior that they project.
The Prophet, peace be upon him, said about them, “When you see them pray you will consider your own prayers insignificant. They recite the Quran but it does not exceed the limits of their throat.”  In other words, they don’t understand the wisdom & true meanings. The outward religious appearance and character of the khawaarij deluded thousands in the past, and continues to delude people today. Every Common-Muslim should therefore be aware that despite the khawaarij adherence to certain aspects of Islam, they are extremists of the worst type. As Dr.Lang suggests,"Islam has the best religion and probably the worst believers"

The Prophet said, peace be upon him, “Beware of extremism in your religion.” 
Islam is the middle way between excess and neglect. Zealots are a plague upon religion. These extremists roughly come in two types.
The first group is a reactionary extremist who falls far right of a centre-point. Reactionary extremists do not want any pluralism; they view the world in melodramatic, black and white, good and evil terms. They are good and anyone who opposes them is evil. From among the Muslims these are people who ‘excommunicate’ any Muslim who fails to share their interpretations of the Quran. They are used often by the Western media in order to scare simple people and cause them to believe that Muslims are insane and barbaric. Unfortunately, some Muslim individuals and communities provide them with much fuel to fire their incendiary flames.

The second group are radical extremists, who while they are almost identical with the former group, differ in that they will use violence to further their cause. They are actually more dangerous & worse than the first. They believe like every nefarious secret society before them that ‘the end justifies the means.’ They see any act as acceptable if it will further their ‘cause.’ This is blatantly anti-Islamic for a number of reasons.
Then came the wave of conspiracy theories. These were not limited to the Islamic world - infact much of these theories are rooted with the individuals living in America and were actively voicing such diverging interpretations(propagated by people like Alex Jones, and scores of other such people) and, year by year they were becoming increasingly prevalent among Muslim communities, and some theory-makers went as far as claiming the the world is run by 'green aliens' in White-House, and many paranoid common-Muslims were sucked into these games and some of these paranoid-Muslims went to trigger their own 'X-Files type' interpretation of 'End Times Map', and it grew so popular that it forced few Muslim Scholars to study the series and provide their refutations.

The 9-11 incident though tragic became a poster-advertisemt for Islamophobia, there were series of events that triggered the  divide of 'Islam and West' - almost all the major geo-political events and incidents over the decade that followed, subtly-mapped into a Muslim-mind as suppression of Islam, and steadily becoming a victim of injustice: War on Afghanistan, War on Iraq, Cartoons Controversy, Minaret Ban, Adhan Ban, Niqab ban, Flotila incident, Abu Garib, Civilian Deaths, Depleted Uranium, Psycho-Soldiers, more Psychos, Ariel Sharon Incident, Gujarat riots, Quran burning, Profiling at Airports (the ex-President of India was also a target), and such.

As every coin has two-faces, on the flip-side 9-11 incidents also tried to balance the Muslim-minds by giving them an opportunity to bridge the gaps, prejudices and misconceptions - Scholars, Intellectuals and Common-men alike came forward to the break the stereotypes, and therefore it led to a domino-effect of different kind: Rejection of extremism by scholors, condemnation of the 911 incident, and as bridges were built it surprisingly led to growth of Islam in the West, and more surprisingly among western-women. 

This was followed by waves of Young Muslims coming forward to dismantle the "Angry-Muslim" caricature built by news-media and popular-movies , and helped by young generation of scholars, converts, and preachers like: Hamza Yusuf, Nouman Ali Khan, Ali Ardekani, Idris Tawfiq, Jeffrey Lang, Eddie, Hamza Tzortzis, Adam Deen, Suhaib Webb, Peter Casey, Rageh Omaar and such, were also balanced by wisdom and patience through a number of experienced Muslims in similar/same fields.

Thanks to technology and internet - forums like social-networking sites, campaigns and discussion-rooms opened up possibilites for Muslims to express themselves - and suddenly these initiatives were complemented with popular Muslims coming to spotlight: Muslim Comedians, Oscar-winners, Pop-stars, Journalists, Peaceful-Revolutionaries(aka Twitter revolutionaries), Athletes, and even Muslim animals, mountains, and planets coming into visiblity on the world-stage, and the biggest of them we nearly had a Muslim President in White-House!:)
Though the final one was a disappointment.. yet, we had Tony Blair's sister-in-law, Lauren Booth choosing Islam, and Islam is now counted to be growing popular among Russians, South Americans, Australian-Aborigines and Chinese based on many independent yet, converging reports.

Well, what does all these little details & unrelated things about demographics, statistics and projections have to say to me? - personally, I have learnt that: Islam is not a blind and barbaric faith defined by a minute fraction of violent individuals, neither is the Prophet, peace be upon him, a liar nor a mad-man, and logically could not be both - as many individuals like Daniel Pipes, Pamela Geller, Geert Wilders, Alisina, Sam Shamoun, Robert Spencer, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Walid Shoebat, Nonie Darwish, Wafa Sultan, and Terry Jones (loosely put the neocons) would say, and also work hard to propagate the idea openly/sublimally that 'Islam is of the evil'.
This post is kind of a 'thank you note' to my fellow Muslim friend who guided me out of agnosticism - by engaging me in discussions and how... reason, rationality, spirituality, science, God and religion are not conflicting spheres, and also thanking Dr.Lang for his wonderful book 'Struggling to surrender',that helped to open up my heart for Islam to enter again.
And by some coincidence about 2 years ago, I was introduced to an amazing bunch of individuals under a forum on facebook - who in my opinion are the 'centre of wisdom' on facebook, though not a strictly theistic forum -  it definitely is an oasis in 'desert of materialism',and I came to know there are plans for launching a web-page based on the group's discussions, posts and paradigms (would share the link here once the project is online).

Coming back to this blog-post, it wasn't all good though - we had Israel & Iran getting locked into an escalating battle of ego, and Iran's envious neighbor Saudi approving Israel's use of their Air-space for possible air-raids on Iran. Afghan tribal Muslim cutting off his wife's nose, Female circumcision among some Muslim in North Africa, Sectarian conflicts in Pakistan, Apostacy arrests, Rebel uprisings and attacks on NATO+US in Afghanistan & Iraq, the usual EDL vs Muslims clashes, Islamophobia still evident in Europe & USA, Dawkins gang suggesting that Muslims are delusional-beings, and Subramanian Swami suggesting to revoke voting rights of all Indian Muslims and more..  - but I'm happy emphasising the positives, things like these (link) and these (link) that there have been efforts by people from both camps to reach out to common-terms, be compassionate and most importantly be Insaan(human). 

(P.S: Only those individuals who are striving to live by the spirit of Islam as a 'way of life' are referenced as the popular Muslims above. Hence the list didn't include the likes of Kasab, Salman Rushdie, Lockerbie/Underwear bombers, and such - on expected lines weren't advertised)

~ “Knowledge exists potentially in the human soul like the seed in the soil; by learning the potential becomes actual.”
― Imam Al-Ghazali

This bird has flown around the bend!

This riddle– ”life has no purpose” –is one that isn’t so easily solved for a single man, well into middle-age, who has few if any friends and is more or less alone in the world. He came to this point neither by mistake nor overnight.

He has a little money, so he attempts to shake things up by quitting his job (which he didn’t like all that much anyway) and “letting it all hang out”: doing the things he enjoys, living like a retiree; basically trying to “prime” his life like a pump–pouring a little happiness in from the outside to see if that will get the happiness going inside.

He tries. He prays. He allows his love for a woman to have a purchase in his life even though she doesn’t meaningfully reciprocate. He gets professional help and gets on a strong daily dose of psychotropic drugs. He gets involved in his community. He starts to write a book. He tries engagement groups. He makes improvements in his life: fixes up and redecorates his home. He treats himself to special “gifts”: a new stereo for his pickup truck, some new suits, et-cetera, et-cetera. He takes long walks on the dead-early-mornings (which is a 20-minute walk away) at least once and usually twice a day.

He knows that he “has it made,” and just about everybody else in the whole world would kill to be in his situation.

But it’s not so simple. He was a “problem child” who grew into a “problem adult”: clinically depressed and most definitely not really plugged into the same reality as most others. He doesn’t understand most of what he sees and hears.

He’s very highly educated, very talented, has a “gifted” IQ and is accomplished in three different professions. He was earning his own way before he could read and is no stranger to hard work. He’s worked for three years and gone to distance-study simultaneously.

He has pro-actively tried to find a solution to this life-long issue. He’s religiously attended spiritual group meetings. He’s tried to “make something happen.”

But it hasn’t worked. When he was younger he could bounce back; tomorrow always had a promise. But he’s approaching his mid 50s now, and tomorrow has broken all of its promises. He’s tried it all: “positive mental attitude,” “get busy to get better,” et-cetera, et-cetera, et-cetera, and he’s still pushing that same boulder up that same mountain, and he’s tired: tired of trying and failing, and the only thing that keeps him putting one foot in front of the other and plodding aimlessly through life is his basic, organic will to survive: the same thing that makes single-celled organisms eat and reproduce.

What’s the solution? How about a fling with a younger woman? How about a long trip? How about a job working as a school teacher or an amateur lecturer ?

He figures he ought to just go back to work, but he can’t find a reason why he should. He’s standing at reality’s porous border, and he feels like he could take one little step and fade into unreality without anyone noticing. He knows he could die in his redecorated, fixed-up home and nobody would know until his body started to decay and stink.

He’s afraid to have faith because he’s had it before. He’s afraid to “make something happen” because he’s done that before with really bad results. When he prays that God’s “will be done,” he wonders exactly what he’s bringing on because God’s will, which is not always kind to human beings, is beginning to scare him.

He’s not suicidal, but dying seems so easy and living seems so hard.

He sees that things are important to other people: tasks to accomplish, goals to reach, people to see. He feels he must be missing something as plain as the hand on the end of his arm. He will see it any day now . . . any day now.

When life has no purpose–when life really has no purpose–all the well-worn platitudes in the world won’t work. A man can hack his own path or build his own bridge through life, but if he hasn’t a place to go, and he keeps hacking and/or building anyway, thinking a place–a destination–will emerge, but one doesn’t, well, he stops. He puts down his tools, and he looks around and tries to make some sense out of all he has done and all that has happened to him, and finds it makes no sense at all. If he had never existed, that’d be one less grain of sand on an endless beach, and what difference would that make?

~ “A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free” ( Nikos Kazantzakis )

2010 = 'Hibernation turned on'

Hibernation is a state of inactivity and metabolic depression, characterized by lower body temperature, slower breathing, and lower metabolic rate.

That is a dictionary definition of hibernation. How does it apply to me ? I was in a period of "Materialistic hibernation", 2010 was the year !

To be honest anyone reading this post would take me to be a nut-case or irresponsible & confused idiot, and (this might be going overboard :P ) for the girl who is looking for a possible partner-in-all mould in me, you're gonna hate this.

2010 was the final member on the 2000's decade-list, and a year worth remembering for me (when I grow really old) as one where I made impact-decisions and probably in your language 'executing stupidity'.

This is going to be a peek back into the past and contemplating(smiling) on the money and resource(time & effort) involved in carrying out a self-deception and jumping-platforms to avoid contact with myself !

December 2010 - Vagabond version 2.0: Backpacked to Kerala 2 weeks at : Ernakulam, Kochi, Kottayam, and Alappuza. This was more exciting as here I landed in a place where I do not understand the local language !

November 2010 - Drifted to Chennai, and got to meet this strikingly beautiful lady, a divorcee - a life changing experience. And an old-foe came back to haunt my thoughts of my career that were lingering at back of my mind and so, I decided to get dirty & experimented my career-track on SAP-ABAP and hence joined training at SIEMENS, Chennai - which cost me about 0.375 million INR. The result was pretty impressive, I am now a 'Certified SAP Associate', and got interview calls from SIEMENS, Mahindra-Satyam, Amazon, Cognizant & CSC and I didn't take them simply because I wanted some time to ease around & I was not ready to switch into a 'money-making-machine' overnight. Hence kept idea of getting back to my Career as a 2011 New-Year resolution!

October 2010 - Vagabond version 1.0 : Backpacked to Coastal Tamilnadu 3 weeks at: Tanjore, Nagapattinam fisherman villages, Nanillam, and Rural-Trichy - on foot, carts, bike, bus and train !

It was an experience of common-man (about 80% of people on this planet), you land somewhere in middle of night and have nowhere to go or like you are in urgent need to use toilet and all you can see are empty fields and water-canals !

*Darn Amazing*

My diary has been flooded with all the emotions (both ugly & beautiful) I could capture within self during this ride.

September 2010 - My life was at a fork (with four ends or more ..):

• Continue the efforts on taking the Post Graduation
• Shut-up thinking and get back to the industry using previous work experience, 3.5 years was a pretty good bet (but the idea as whole was not appealing to me)
• Look for alternate technologies and shift the previous work experience (Electronics, SAP, Java or whatever .. keep thinking)
• WTH else was there to do ? become a vagabond, kill the money & technology, lost from friends & parents (for that brief period !) - This was an idea that seem adventurous and I acknowledged this whisper that came from the back of my mind. I threw away my mobile, plastic-cards, and packed my bags for a series of hitch-hiking with Marx, Engels, Nietschze, Freud, Imran Hosein, Machiavelli & Muhammad Asad joined me on both the journeys.

August 2010 - Life is not all that you run behind for a rich-lavish and carry out the biddings of the society imposed on you: School-Education(which sucks by the way!), A Course for Big Career, A Career for Big-Money, Big money to fill your bones in golden coffin. This is self-deception, and Money sucks big !

I was in a difficult situation of making choce : either ignore my inner-voice to live this robotic-materialistic-life "or" break the stereotype and follow in the quest in soul-searching. I was undecided !

July 2010 - It was a strange feeling, usually this kind of situation would have left an impression of sadness on anyone else - It seems I was not among that 'anyone', It was like a deja-vu instead !

It seemed like an instant in present time-frame had happened to me again & again a million times in past. This month passed with marking my 26 years of life on this planet and an eye-opening & soul-awakening incident. My dearest uncle & aunt, both died in an accident.

June 2010 - By this time I had invested a lot (a lot really !) into the quest for Post-graduation: and if by any reason I were to back-out from this quest, that is 70000 INR going up in smoke literally & it happened :)

• My health failed me at most critical stage, I was diagnosed by digestion disorder and typhus. It was a "Pop" and everything vanished right before the eyes. (The atempts from my side to negotiate with the School for next-intake failed, my fee was paid-back with some cuts from the School).

May 2010 - Was offered scholarship on MBA from Kingston University (AMBA cluster) and was running high on plans and ideas; Would never have imagined that they could come to halt (but with a much-needed, intellectual & mature twist of circumstances)

April 2010 - I was offered a Dual-Masters from another top Singaporean University for June'10 admission- was surprised & eleated in these few weeks, and was in full swing of getting into check-lists, economics, visa application and stay etc.

March 2010 - My GRE & TOEFL mark-sheets reached home, Applied for MS in Logistics in Singapore(What was I thinking ! seriously ). I was Rejected!

February 2010 - I quit a job from one of the top most MNC that was paying me more than half-a-million per year. GMAT & MBA were on the menu.

January 2010 - That's when and where it all began ! :D

I was not impressed with the direction in which my life was shaping up, and decided to look for some change - a Post-Graduation ? or moving to a different Career/Industry. There was a surprise in waiting, and my life unfolded in front of me, and there was a whole new perception was installed on the quesion of self, world & social-responsibility.

If anyone do needs help on 'How to trash half-a-million?' - I am here for you :)

~ If I had a little less respect for money, I would not mind pissing on it.

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

The world is a sea of pretentions.Fools pretend to be intelligent , cheats pretend to be honest , foes pretend to be friends, and all of us go through such stress trying to be what we are not.
We are so mindful of what others think of us.We fear hate and rejection.

But what i have learnt so far is that trying to please anyone is like trying to move a mountain.There are very few people who are really happy with one's success.Whenver someone has achieved something , with the exception of their family and close friends,I doubt people have really felt happy for them .

Hence, I have acquired this care-a-less attitude about what others think of me.I hate to pretend and try to be my own self.Its difficult but once you acquire this ,it can be the most comforting and liberating attitude to have.But I right now do not worry about how many people will be around when bad times come upon me.

Its easy to be the centre of attraction with people around you,cracking jokes and sharp ,witty one liners..or nonsense speech (esp. in college).

What is difficult , is to find a person to talk to when you dont have any joke to crack.Its easy to gather "friends" for the party a birthday-goat throws , what is difficult is to find a friend who will listen and comfort you when you fail the exam.

Its easy to find people for company for a stroll in the garden , what is difficult is to find a friend to accompany you during a hard trip under a burning sun.

I do realise that there will be times in my life when there will be such situations, everyone'll have to make this hard trip,when they have no wit/jokes to entertain anybody,when

they would have failed.

It is in these times when a true friend is needed.And for this true friend , you would not need to pretend.The friend would not need you to be someone he/she desires,but would accept you for what you are.

Who would like me not for being at an MNC, not because I have a good job,not because I am a "so called" an achiever but would like me for what I am , and not for what I have done or not done.It is so very difficult to find such a person , but to find him/ her , you dont need to pretend to be someone else,but to just be urself.

I know the above thing would not make much of sense ,and is nothing new , but just wanted to write it down , just wanted to express how self-centered and deceptive this world can sometimes be like ...

"You're going to die a horrible death, remember. It's all good training, and you'll enjoy it more if you keep the facts in mind.
Take your dying with some seriousness, however, laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced lifeforms, and they'll call you crazy."

- RICHARD BACH (Illusions)

The Aimless Psychonaut

I am currently going through a drifting in my life.

Right now, work is slow for me. I don’t have any customer/client wanting to file a defect or enhancement in my product. I am grateful in many ways for the time off–it’s nice to be able to relax a bit and not feel overwhelmed by client needs. This, however, also makes me feel guilty at the same time. I often feel as if I’m not contributing when I’m not working. I’m a product-life-cycle-engineer; I chose this fields because probably i was insane or was incapable of making a better decision. When times are slow, I not only feel like I’m letting down my organization but that I’m not upholding sanity in my life journey.

No pressure, right?

Quite frankly, it makes me even less enthusiastic about my work. And then I feel guilty about not spending time developing my deliverable !

Something struck me recently, with a violent and unrealistic idea - "Quit !"

Yeah, with the new year here, i am trying to shake off the Shackles of being a the Software-Engineer.
With nothing else in mind, neither an alternative job, nor a plan.

" It is like a deep dive into the dark ", as Gandalf says in the movie The Return of the King, “…the deep breath before the plunge.”

As I pass my cubicle every-time, it dawns to me how many years I’ve wasted in it. Now that I am going to free myself of money, why would I continue doing shit-job every day? I would love to take a blue post-it note and write “Resigned” on it and then paste it on the computer screen and to decide that’s the last time I’m going to touch the damn thing. But anyway, on my way out of the office I would stop to take that one more cup of free coffee from the machine.

But i believe, there is something coming for me soon. I can feel it. A new book project, a new idea, a new path–I’m not sure yet what it is, and still I know it will appear in its own good time. For now, I feel excited, when money becomes secondary... Believe me, this is the most exciting thing ever happening to me and i am enjoying it !







I hate Money !

The Ugly FlashBack - Episode II

August 12th 2006:

At Bangalore much new people to meet around young men and women(..??) from kolkata.. Hyderabad and far, though the place is good(for sleeping ..apart from training), it stretches from 9 morning to evening 6 and the bangalore traffic is like hell..!!
I did a little shoppin, electric-iron, lashy sports shoes, socks and couple of other items.

And I could assume to know about how things are at other offices , but a lot of people smoke at my office.
Like recently we had this meeting and the guy sitting to my right started smoking . And I am thinking "Sigh . All a part of work ." Then the guy to my left lights up a stick and I am thinking "Cough Cough . An oxygen mask should be on my next shopping list ."

We had a break after a demo-project, Within a short time , 4 ( and we had a total of 7 guys in that meeting ) are blowing around smoke and I am thinking "What number do we dial for the fire brigade ?".
When the meeting ended , I ran out , took in huge lung fills of non-polluted air, and thanked mother nature for trees and emission norms.

Being a non smoker ( to say the truth i have tasted once Long Long time Ago OUT OF CURIOSITY.) but i am being here is like being a mickey mouse in a pub full of rough leather clad bikers.(True, it was shocking to watch a couple of ladies among the smoke).
Infact a lot of outsiders expect me to smoke since I work at a software company, seems to be a mandatory requirement for being a Software engineer....!!
(Somewhere i read SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH, and oh yeah it was on the cigarette carton!!)

Anyway, in other, not so smoky events, I purchased an electric iron recently .
I went to a home appliances shop to do that . I walk to the guy behind the counter and say "You got electric irons ? " .
The guy stares at my face for what seemed the duration of a test match and grunts something in kannada, Sensing a little communication gap , I start making huge horizontal swipes with my right arm to depict a typical cloth ironing action, his eyes light up and he promptly leads to me a counter selling teflon coated non stick kitchenware to a couple of overfed housewives,
It is embarassing for any 22 year old to be found in the teflon coated non stick kitchenware section of a home appliances shop with a couple of heavy women and a kannadiga shop keeper, It was like a moment of realisation for me, which passed soon enough anyway.
After touring four shops and being shown a lot of things from juice dispensers to stoves to music players, I finally bought a little electric iron .
I guess my domestication process from a who-cares-guy-in-college to a single-chap-living-alone-at-other-end-of-country is reflected well by the type of things I am buying these days

but..!! ...DO really people die if they smoke..???

Anyway.. who cares.. . I haven't begun to suffer from nightmares involving dead people chasing me while electric-pole sized cigarettes fly around in the background. But yeah , as a personal choice , I don't support smoking .
I don't smoke and won't want my kids to smoke , unless If i work for a Cigarette company..!!



~ Insane's Insanely Insane Notes
(Ripped it off from: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes )

The Ugly FlashBack - Episode I

July 26th 2006:

I am sitting on my bed in my room right now.I see around and see empty bookshelves and an empty wardrobe,Sona insitute library slips , old-newspapers and magazines , notebooks , empty wafers, polythene bags and chocolate wrappers , strewn across the floor. And i see a britney spears picture pasted on my cupboard door.I had cut it out from the friday supplement of THE HINDU some time back.Dont get me wrong , a pretty decent picture it is , you sit down with popcorn and watch it for hours with your family.

And i also see a big VIP a smaller VIP case , and a blazing Blue Reebok Travel Bag.I have managed to stuff almost all my clothes ,some travel-books, and my compact disks into them.
The "call taxi" would arrive at 4:30 PM and the inter-city Express leaves at 5 pm to take me to Bangalore.
Surely it doesn't feels nice to know that I wud be away from home and friends.

Even though I would spend a greater part of my time sleeping in front of PC, It wont feel nice that I wouldn't be able to see MY people, I loved every morning and night here , and have the food cooked by Ammi , and lie over clean floor watching TV hang out with college pals.They are Just 'Memories' Now...

College is very few of the places where without much pain, involves a lot of running around,carrying around a gunny-BAG, everytime I looked down I felt, with a blank mind, "LIfe is just so fun, eh".

I Still Remember that Fateful-Day - when responsibility was yoked on my shoulders and a label was stuck on my forehead "Successfully Transisioned from youth to manhood", the date: 15th March-2005.
I stood outside the interview room all day , wearing a clean-shirt, dark blue trousers and shoes(OUCH..!!).I had to maintain the myself waiting in working condition , helping myself with water , advice from seniors and nerve soothing actions. Still Being on my mind as a default setting...!!

Obviously , there would be someone very dear whom I would still miss after the selection procedure..!!


So, here I am about to go BANGALORE.


~ Insanis Notstalgis