1) Expect the person to change after marriage.
One must accept people for who they are. Don't marry potential for change, especially regarding religious differences, bad communication skills, bad habits.
2) Focus on chemistry, not on character.
Never get married solely because you are in love. Love does not conquer all. Oftentimes people mistake infatuation or lust for love.
3) Don't make an effort to understand the emotional needs of the other person.
4) Don't share a common life purpose and priorities.
People connect because of chemistry, common interests and a common life purpose. Common life purpose builds a deeper, stronger bond.
5) Get intimately involved before you are intellectually committed.
One's ability to evaluate the character, quality and life philosophy of another person is clouded by having an intimate relationship first. One tends to romanticize the relationship; it is harder to face issues.
6) Don't have a deep emotional connection to the person.
We are not talking about passion. Do you respect and admire this person (not are you impressed with the person)? Do you trust this person? Do you feel a sense of peace with this person?
7) Choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
If you can't express your feelings and opinions, if the person is controlling or raises his/her voice, this has the potential to be an abusive relationship.
8) Don't discuss essential and important issues before getting married.
What are the other person's goals, ambitions, values? Does the person want to have children? How are the children to be raised? Hear what the person says and how s/he says it.
9) Think that marriage will solve your problems.
If a person is unhappy as a person and with his life as a single, most likely he or she will be miserable in marriage. One takes his/her emotional baggage into the relationship. Your spouse in not responsible for your happiness.
10) Pick someone who is not emotionally healthy.
A person with issues brings more than himself/herself into the marriage. If there is a dominating parent, then there are 3 people in the marriage and one's spouse can't fully be emotionally open. Never marry an addict -- whether to drugs, work, hobbies, status. You can't fix them!
Thanks,
Bryan Johnston
A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.
~ John Steinbeck
